Worklife Bardo

 

I’m currently parked in a Bardo. What, you may ask, is a Bardo? According to meditation teacher Andrew Holecek, the Tibetan word “Bardo” is translated as “gap, interval, intermediate state, transition process or in between…” The next chapter of life has yet to be written, and the final page of the previous chapter has been turned.

Last month I graduated – a milestone I eagerly anticipated since my first day of grad school, nearly seven years ago. While I (mostly) appreciated the process of earning the Ph.D., I never lost sight of the goal. I was not in grad school for the sake of being in grad school – I consistently had a sense of purpose… almost a mission. Interestingly, that mission took multiple twists and turns throughout the duration of the process. Now that the final page on the grad-school chapter has been turned, the first pages of the next chapter aren’t what I expected.

The various twists and turns appeared to lead into a long hallway. Like MIT’s Infinite Corridor, this hallway was lined with doors that led to various paths. Some doors were wide open, some ajar, and some tightly closed. Many of the open doors led to interesting career paths, and some of the partially-open doors led to even more interesting career paths. And behind some of the closed doors, I could almost make out the murmurings of career paths that I had not dared to consider.

The results of a visioning activity at the
Center for Healthy Minds, ca. 2017

There was a part of me that hoped that the challenges of grad school would magically segue into a rewarding path of easy abundance. Among the various open doors, could a cosmic conveyor belt lead to the next chapter of my working life? While some of the open doors appeared to do so, as I neared the moving-walkways-of-least-resistance, the seemingly open doors would shut. Each of these shuttings was dissappointing, though also imbued with some relief. With the most recent rejection letter, I was surprised by the relief that I felt. The hiring committee saved me from myself – from the desire for comfort that can throttle creativity.

Most of my work life has been tinged by uncertainty. While I often yearned for the safety of a “state job,” the lure of creating stuff consistently proved to be the stronger drive. And the possibilities that are unfolding are among the most creatively demanding and far-reaching of any I’ve yet considered. In the present Bardo, it appears as though open doors may be gumption traps, and perhaps even the partially open doors are, too. And the closed doors, the ones with murmurings of what scares me? I think these doors merit further inquiry. Perhaps knocking? Perhaps checking to see if they’re locked?

In the meantime, I’m relaxing with the urge to embark upon a path of safety and relative certainty (are any paths really certain?) As I’ve learned from my meditation teacher, Mingyur Rinpoche, all phenomena can be a support for meditation. And I’m getting good practice in resting with the feelings that accompany the certainty of uncertainty.